Friday Night Fantasies (by Telly)

Now, before I let the BBE (Big, Bald Elf) loose on this inaugural Friday blog, those of you who haven’t already heard (read) the interview that Janowyn gave on Lisa Burton Radio yesterday, here’s a brief bio so you’re not completely overwhelmed by the sheer force of Telly…

Telly and Jano on the prowl

heavily manipulated image from The Matrix…

Telly is the only true elf Jano’s  met who understands about open emotions. He’s her boss and the head honcho with the FWAT squad in the River Kingdom Foo police. They recruited Jano in a hurry when they saw how she could handle the pesky little fairies and sprites that are always hanging around the Vale, luring unsuspecting elflings into being all silly and giggly. You know the sort – the tricksy, or even malicious little spirits with their magic mushrooms and daft flowery hats. They’re a real problem sometimes, and the Lords hate it when they disrupt festivities and suchlike.

In fact despite all appearances to the contrary, Telly and Jano do have a deep and abiding respect for each other. *Lowers voice a tad* In fact I happen to know that once upon a time they were getting really close…

And that’s enough of that, Sîan, Baby! Sheesh! You dames’ll be the end of me – now scoot! There’s some chocolate laying around somewhere that needs your attention before Jano gets her mitts on it. *smirks*

Ah – you lot’re hangin around still, right? O.K – I don’t know what Sîan was tryin’ to spin you, but if it involves Jano, then take a shovelful of salt with it, ‘cos you can’t trust a thing that comes out of their mouths when the foo comes over ’em. Like this thing with Jano and the My Little Unicorns *shakes his head*. I dunno – they’re nuts about her an’ all, but man, does she get up to some stoopid stunts with ’em.
What’s that? You don’t know what ‘foo’ is? Hey! You don’t know how lucky you are! I’m tellin’ ya, after you’ve done the rounds for several thousand years with the little perishers like I have, you’d have had a bellyful of ’em too! And they say I’m bad-tempered!

See it’s like this – you know about planes of existence, music of the spheres, or whadya call ’em? Parallel worlds? I dunno – all I do know is that some of the stuff you mortals come up with to amuse your kids – things like flower fairies, an’ cutesy plastic ponies that have nice long manes an’ tails that you can comb – plush teddies and dogs and whatnot? Even garden gnomes, an’ midget trolls with crazy coloured hair, for the love of… Nah! You mortals – you got really warped imaginations, right. See, all those cute ‘toys’ get mirrored when they drop in the cracks between the worlds – an’ more often than not they come out the other side wrong! 

What’s all pink an’ fluffy, or squidgy an’ happy, sometimes when they get here, they’re completely evil. Case in point – the Don’t Care Bears. I mean, what genius dreamt them up?! Sure, on your world they’re all cuddly and kind, but I’m tellin’ ya on this side of the veil they’re just plain mean – and their manners are disgustin’! That’s before you get to their stink – an’ if anything, that’s still better than the stench of the vittals they gobble away on… Anyway – welcome to my world! I’m the poor schmuck who has to keep all of ’em in order and stop some of the more malevolent foo creatures from causing havoc ’round the Valley. Jano’s pretty good at keeping them amused for long enough so’s I can pacify ’em, but I have to watch her, ‘cos sometimes she encourages the little devils. As for Sîan… Well, she should know better, having written up some of my old exploits, but do I get credit for doing a sticky job, no one else’ll touch with a ten foot pike? Do I, heck! All I get is, ‘where’s the blueberry lollies, Telly?’ or even ‘Do we have any Flower Fairies in holding – I run outta cologne…’


Balrog Barbie – top dog in the thinking Elf’s capsule Dark Foo toy box. (image – manip from google search and assembled components from

Anyhoo – that’s enough for tonight. I gotta go on stakeout – we gotta Balrog Barbie on the loose in the woods an’ she’s playing merry hell with the swans. Like I don’t do enough around here as it is, I gotta go play nanny to a bunch of big birds. See ya next week, folks! Mind the grotty garden gnomes on the way out – they’re startin’ to get too pally wi’ the Will o’ the Wisps…

2 thoughts on “Friday Night Fantasies (by Telly)

  1. There’s an endless resource of deviant toy foo-forms Craig… We never talk of the Bra-ssica (Cabbage) Patch Dolls though – they’re in a class all of their own! 😉


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