Hi, guys! I’m back again ‘cos the others are still billin’ and cooin’ over the new book, although I’m takin’ bets on it being finished for the interweb this weekend! 😀 Siân’s more or less holdin’ her end up with some peeps at some of the rhymes goin’ out so tonight, I’m gonna follow her example as the Don’t Care Bears have made yet another mess down at the river.
This is one of Jano’s about one of my biggest busts way back in the day, when I was quite a young Elf and in the Elf Queen’s security forces. Jano thinks it’s hilarious*, in what she calls ‘spoof saga form’ – usual cockamamie goofiness I call it, but it does set out the facts of the matter. You don’t have to read it as it’s kinda long (or it wouldn’t be a saga, right! C’mon – work with me here! 😎 – it does work better if you’re havin’ some vino though! 😀
*Note from Siân – this is because in some mortal lands drawers are sometimes undergarments… *rolls eyes*
The Elf Queen, The Cop and the Garderobe
A tale I must tell of the dreadful Battle of the Garderobe, by the sparkling and deep lake of Illuminas.
Of spite and of strife
In the boudoir of the Elves’ fairest flower–in the good Elf Queen’s bower.
’Twas an Age or two ago when battle was joined in the darkest shadows and hours of the night
At first undetected
As the Polly Pocket Piskies sneaked into their ancient enemies’ territory.
The Flower Fairies had held the lingerie drawers since the Sun first rose in the Middle Realms
Perfumed and safe
Until the Piskies boldly crossed The Great Divide from the garderobe.
’Ere the fair Queen knew, she found chaos foully lurking ’mongst her fine silken hose
Tattered and strewn
All over the floor as the Fairies defended her laciest smalls.
The Piskies roamed triumphant, spreading mayhem through the drawstrings and fastenings
Delighting in ruin
As the Fairies fell back in angry dismay as their drawers fell one by one.
The Elf Queen wailed and cursed long and loud as she contemplated the vile and great humiliation
The loss of allure
In the sight of her sweet spouse if her undergarments were cruelly ripped and torn.
The Lady hastened to the aid of the Fair Little Foo Folk who had served her so well and faithfully
Keeping pills at bay
Tirelessly burnishing the silk satin and buffing up the velvety ribbons so soft.
But the Piskies were too many–their tiny teeth well-honed to vicious slashing sharp points
Snapping and gnashing
Dealing ferocious bites ’gainst the Fairies if they ventured too near.
Weeping with rage, the Lady fled, o’ercome with horror at the state of her fine intimate apparel.
She needed a hero
With no fear of the Foo and the foul curse of the pink. Her need was urgent and clear.
“Oh Constable Telly! My dear friend!” gasped she in relief “Come hither right now – my honour is smeared!”
The Foo-Cop came good
And followed his Queen to her rooms where the Battle raged on.
Well it could not have been worse–never was there such a scene as the Foo Foes fought in a frenzy
Of blood and of fluff
As they pulled a feathery marabou boa into little tickly pink pieces.
Telly gasped in horror as he surveyed the state of his fair Lady’s bower–he roared out his challenge
“ Put – the – stocking – down!!! ”
But the Fairies just hissed and the Piskies all jeered. They showed no respect!
Telly’s face was livid and stern as he yelled “Listen Bozos! I’m ain’t kiddin’ around here now!
Sheesh! Gimme a break!”
As he whipped out his truncheon and took careful aim at the pesky Piskie commander…
… And down came the stick! But this maleficent Piskie with cunning and boldness was steeped–
He ran up the stick
And sank his sharp little gnashers in Telly’s magnificent schnozzle!
The Foo-Cop was doughty but the bite really smarted and the Pisky was perky as Telly got started
On fussing and fiddling
With stemming the flow of his bloody and mighty throbbing blowhole.
Now The Elven Queen was not one to shy from a fight and whilst all this went down she thought long and hard
On tricks of her trade
And shouted to Telly “I’ll be back!” as she rushed out the door and sped to the kitchens.
Telly retreated to consider his moves, keeping watch on what the little baskets got up to next as they
Trashed the Queen’s vests
Whilst the Fairies fought rearguard to protect her precious pink moonstone corset.
The cop still held his trusty truncheon ready to whack the tumultuous, rampaging Piskie hordes
Who were moving onto
The lower reaches of his Lady’s mango-wood bureau and her most secret drawers.
“Telly, dear man!” the beauteous Lady returned “I have toffee and sweeties to lure them away from my garb!”
“Come on!–make my day!”
Cheered Telly, as his liege lady threw him a rainbow of sugary lollies!
“This’ll learn ’em!” He gave a great grin and proceeded to wiggle lollipops with extreme prejudice
In the last drawer
Whilst his Fey Queen fed caramel to the brave but exhausted Fairies of Flowers.
Now it is not well known but Piskies have such very sweet teeth, so could they resist these fruity treats?
“It’s working now Babe!”
Crowed Telly, as he hefted the lollies right into their midst.
“And the Fairies are mustering!” She gave a conspiratorial smile “See–they will fly to the fight!”
As the caramel bolstered
Diaphanous wings, so they rose in the air, hands flexing with pinches and stings.
As the Piskies grew fulsome and sleepy with fructose, the Fairies swooped down and bashed ’em
And thrashed ’em quite hard
As the Queen looked on with pride as her Cop swept the vanquished hordes…
… of Piskies into his helm with his truncheon. “Well that about wraps it up Ma’am” he said with a grin.
“I’ll wager these punks
Will not venture here much more again. But just in case there’s one thing I’d advise…”
“… get in plentiful supplies of popsicles like these for those crazy small pests and feed them daily
By the garderobe door
Keep them podgy and dizzy with sweet fruit rewards!”
The Great Lady pondered the wisdom of this and nodded her thanks to the gallant fighter of Foo.
Cunning and guileful
She saw the nous of this precautionary tactic.
For Piskies, though vicious were still useful creatures and kept all the moths from eating her woollens
So it did make sense
To keep them to hand–so long as their teeth rotted and could no longer grind!
And as for the Flower Fairies–well those little dears soon set to mending the sheer delicate undies
of silk and of satin
for the beautiful form of the Lady of Light who shone and brightened her lucky Lord’s nights.
As for Telly? Well what can I tell you? It was the beginning of his Foo-fighting career and nobody now
Can come close to him
In banishing harmful foo-ish creatures with lollipop weaponry, he’s the greatest there is!